You are viewing mattthew

19 May 2013 @ 10:56 pm
i'm thinking about making a big life change.


it's scary and exciting all at the same time.


it's in the idea stage right now, but i'm really interested to see where this is going to take me.


there's part of that's saying "no matt, you're in a pretty comfortable place, don't do anything that will mess that up" and the other part of me is saying "yes matt, do it." i know i've mentioned a few times before that i feel like i'm complacent, and unmotivated to do anything else then just coast along... well, this might be the thing that makes the difference between wanting and doing, however scary it might seem. we'll see how things go :)
Current Music: euphoria - loreen
02 September 2012 @ 02:35 pm
hello journal

it's been awhile, and unfortunately, i have yet some more dreary thoughts to fill you with.

but let's not start with that. let's begin by announcing that i finally have a job!! it's not the career job that i wanted, but i'll be working with friends. i'll be making decent money (decent being defined as not that much, but i'm living at home for free so it will feel like i'm making money). it's full time, and i get benefits, so when i'm kicked off of my parents insurance next year, i'll at least have my own... so that's nice. i'm really excited to start. i have only a couple more days of freedom before i start working for the man again.

sadly, these last few days have not been relaxing... i don't know what it was, but my mom snapped on friday. i don't know what it was that set her off, but it's really annoying having to deal with this. because instead of dealing with the issue that set her off, she just drudges up EVERYTHING else, that really doesn't matter any more.

i get that her dad is dying, and he was her best friend and that she just wants him back to his old self. i get that her sister died and left her alone to take care of their lonely, depressed and angry parents. i get that she thinks all of her kids are failures (ouch), i get that she thinks her oldest son is stupid for getting married. i get that she thinks i'm coasting along in life and not living up to my potential. i get that she thinks her recovering drug addict son is a lost cause, even though he is trying his hardest to get by. i get that she doesn't accept that her daughter is gay. i get that she thinks that our family is the only one with issues, no matter how many times i tell her that we aren't alone and she can't see or even begin to know what goes behind people's closed doors. she takes all of her stresses and let's them just weigh her down, until one small thing makes her snap. 

i understand she is under a lot of stress and feels lost in her emotions, but there are healthy ways to deal with all of it, but instead... she just let's all the stress pile on her until she can't handle it so she overmedicates or drinks until she can barely function and transforms into this horrible, mean, pathetic bully. when this happens, the entire atmosphere of the house shifts and it's horrible to be around her. i don't have the time or the patience to deal with any of it because i have a puppy to take care of and a new job i'm starting this week and now i have this dark cloud over head and i have to somehow make all of it work.

why can't i just have nice things?